Vivi comes home from school and notices how virtually no pet food has been eaten
Vivi: Where is Mephistopheles and the cats? I have been patient, but now they’ve been gone too long. Can’t you do something about this? Why aren’t you worried?
Me: I told you already, that Mephis took Supernova, Dexter and Cuddy to the Neu-Rippin Castle in Germany to take down Dr. Faust where he is holding Persephone hostage.
Vivi: They should be back by now! We’re gonna have to go there and get them. I ain’t afraid of no Dr. Faust.
Me: I don’t know about that. Dr. Faust is a very evil person who Mephistopheles gave powers to, so there is a very big conflict there.
Vivi: But isn’t that where Persephone is being held?
Me: Yes. Mephis is in love with her. He took our cat brigade to help him get her back.
Vivi: Pack your bags. I’m not having this. Give me some Dr. Faust and I’ll show him who’s boss. He won’t know what hit him when I walk into his freaking stupid castle.
Me: I don’t really know how to get there.
Vivi: Seriously, Mom? Like I’m not a genius on the internet, with maps and social media? All you gotta do is pack a bag. You’ll need a bra, panties, a nightgown, and warfare gear.
Me: Jeez jeez jeez louise louise louise. But if we get killed, I’ll have to come home to explain it to your siblings.
Vivi: Mom, you would be dead.
Me, coming downstairs after having packed: Okay, I’m packed but all I could find was a sword cane and one of those shock collars for dogs.
Vivi: Bring all that. I have already created our itinerary, placing odds on which way they went to Neu-Rippin. We cannot go the same way because you and I don’t know Dr. Faustus and he could have had planted land mines along the way.
Me: Okay, so how do we get there?
Vivi: We are flying to Den Haag and taking a train to Brandenburg and then walk to Neu-Rippin.
Me: We don’t have the money to fly all that way!
Vivi: Don’t worry, I’ve saved up my money from working at Sweet CeCe’s. Plus, we’ll make Mephistopheles pay us back in thalers when we get there.
Now, completely exhausted after having boarded the plane to Den Haag and I’m falling asleep…
Vivi: Mom, I don't get it. What is Easter?
Me: Well, that's when Jesus arose on a Sunday.
Vivi: So, when did he die, because they say he arose three days later.
Me: Because he died on a Friday and arose three days later on Sunday.
Vivi: Then why is Friday called Good Friday when it's the day he died?
Me: Hell, I don't know.
Vivi: You'd have thought they would have called it Bad Friday. I need to talk to Mephistopheles about this, since you don’t seem to know anything.
Me: Like I said, Hell I don't know.
Vivi: So, God arose three days later?
Me: Not God, but Jesus.
Vivi: Wait, so God and Jesus are not the same person?
Me: Jesus is the "son" of God and God is more like a spirit and Jesus is mortal.
Vivi: Well, how does a spirit get a mortal virgin pregnant?
Me: Hell, I don't know Violet, maybe she forgot her birth control pill the day she dreamed of God.
Vivi: Well, they said he was buried in Jerusalem or something, so how could he have rolled the stone away if he is buried in a church?
Me: Okay, now it's time to listen to me before I have to go take a headache pill. This whole Jesus thing is a story made up by a person who had a brilliant imagination. People who have imagination attract people who don't have imagination. That is why everyone "believes". You agree it's a pretty good story, right?
Vivi: But I thought he parted the seas.
Me: If he had parted the seas, then why did Noah have to build an Arc? Again, this is made up by a person with a brilliant imagination. And this story attracts billions of people who cannot think for themselves, so they rely on other people to create a world they want to live in.
Vivi: Well, what about Adam and Eve?
Me: Girl don't even go there with me. Fine, okay I'll go. Think about this. If Eve was made out of Adam's rib, he would have had to cut his own self open, decide which rib to cut out…I don't know one of the small ones?...one of the big ones?...and from which side can I spare a rib? Where do you think the name “spare ribs” came from? I guess he figured out which one he could spare. Just as an aside, why at least would he not choose one of his finest ribs to produce his counterpart? I already know. Because women, from the get-go, are not worth the big rib of the man.
And then after he almost died from bleeding, he limped his way to a northern tribe in Tibet known for their carving skills, where he sat by a fire and they helped him carve a woman out of his smallest rib. He was still bleeding. And he was chased all the way by wolves who wanted to eat that rib. But he protected it and put it in his jacket because keep in mind, females did not exist before males. So, this was of great importance.
Vivi: I don't get it.
Me: Let me get an ibuprofen and then I'll explain the whole thing.
Violet: Well, hurry up because I gotta go get my nails done.
Me: Do you see a common thread in these stories? They are all concocted to celebrate a man, a male. Why didn't God impregnate a virgin with a female, after all he is God. And I guess at that time no one had ever thought a man could conceive a baby, so the story had to be that it was a woman being impregnated. Why was Noah's Arc constructed by a man? All these stories were made up during a time where women's accomplishments and rights were suppressed, and men wanted to glorify themselves.
Vivi: Well, what about the Big Bang theory?
Me: What even is that?
Vivi: Mom, seriously, that's when there I don't know a piece of matter or something in space and it exploded because of some asteroid or something and then it became earth. So where was God then? He let all that happen?
Me: God is portrayed as a man, isn't he? So welcome to my theory that in history, men have written stories where they can hold up a mirror and gaze at themselves. Now as far as the Big Bang theory goes, that is science. You have to keep in your mind how science is different than fiction.
Vivi: But Jesus was born at the same time.
Me: No, he wasn't. The earth was created billions of years ago and Jesus is only, I don't know, 3000 years old. Jesus don't know shit.
Vivi: This is exactly why I don't go to church.
Lord, I’ve missed you!
That’s good. My 35yo skeptic likes my church, doesn’t attend but will figure it out when she has to.